The Treasure Hunt for Tuning Forks

Life is passing me by.

There are days when I feel radar-less, without direction drifting away with the winds of time. Feelings. Man, they are so... intangible. Sometimes, I wake up a warrior and then other days, I'm just a lowly, neglected pathetic serf.

While all that could be explained away by the position of my head in relation to my body while I sleep and all that mumbo-jumbo, it really irritates me when I cannot make my heart do what my brain wants to. Waking up feeling good or bad is trivial. But, what do I do when I'm haunted by my own emotions?

It is all very easily said to understand life as it happens to you and "move on" in a logical plane.

However, bringing that understanding down to my emotional core is something that is beyond me at this point. It is this netherworld that is ridden with so many mirages, that keeps me struggling and surviving but never really quenches my heart.

This is the place where the ego pulls tricks that would humble the Devil.

Geniuses and catastrophic failures share the same characteristics: Determination, Passion, never giving up and a disregard for conventional wisdom.

When do beliefs become delusions?


I always depended on myself to guide me through emotional turmoil. I turn into myself for solace. And maybe that is where I make the mistake. How much ever strong I may be, I still need a semblance of understanding, a nod of assurance, a pat on the back from outside of myself. Acceptance. I'm no different. We are all like this. This is integral. Intimacy. Love. Hope. Peace.


It takes a lot of effort to bridge the gap between the brain and heart. Actually, I'm not even sure if it is possible. Maybe it is the other way around. Maybe R. A. Heinlein absolutely hit the nail on the head when he said, "Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal."

It is the emotion that happens first, and then the neocortex finds ways to justify it.


So, what am I looking for? What are we all looking for? We are all emotional junkies.

Happiness, Love. Despair, Agony. They all come down to Emotional Resonance and Emotional Dissonance.

I'm here, as you all are, running in our own heartlands. Searching, foraging, looking at the horizon and the wild promises it brings. Just searching for that one thing that "clicks".

That just feels "right". That one tuning fork that resonates with what we are at our core. That one belief, one frequency, one harmony that drives us. Emotional resonance.

This is our purpose. Finding our wavelength. Finding our true colour.

Most of us spend our whole lives grabbing different things that would make us "feel good".That career, that person, that gadget.

Some of us find it. Some of us don't. Some find it but can't have it.

This hitch that I trip on, this rabbit-hole that I slip into, this stupid playlist of emotions put in endless loop.

For all my analysis and all my introspection, this is beyond me. I give up. I accept.

As days flit by on the treadmill of ordinaryness, only this feels real to me. This feeling. This constipation of the heart.

The Charmed Stuff

I write here uncharmed without my muse. But, sometimes my muse comes back and takes me for a ride in her own special way. For seeing all the things she does to me, go here:

While She Plays

You'll find that most of them are romantic. What can I say... my muse... she is like that only!

Cheers and I hope you enjoy them.

Be your own personal god

Today, I got fired from the job that pays for my food. I can't cook, so I depend on the money, to keep emaciation at bay.

I am angry and pissed at myself. I'm also calm and accept complete responsibility for what happened. I do not blame anyone else.

Although, I must note that the last week has been very very weird, like someone put a voodoo on me to somehow terminate this job. I consider myself a model employee, and have always been very punctual and perfect on all counts and do my job excellently.

But, in the last week, I have been unnaturally late (15 minutes!), made mistakes with my paperwork, forgot some important things to bring to work and finally did not turn up for work and did not notify. I overslept. Stupid and insufferable.

That said, I accept complete responsibility. This is a freedom that cannot be expressed in tangible terms. It is an elusive, fuzzy conviction in the nature of reality itself. I am the master of my own life. Whatever reasons I'm happy is because I made myself happy. And, however strangely convoluted life has become, it is a conundrum of my own genius.

No regrets. It is important to learn the lessons that life teaches you, even though you didn't sign up for the damn course. But, no point in mulling over what has happened.

I may starve in the days to come. And I look forward to how I'll deal with that. Nothing can take away this experience from me. I own it completely.

In this moment, I could be feeling hunted. I have been treated unfairly. How could this happen to me?

I could subscribe to false hope (the bane of all existence, in my opinion) and rationalize my actions, absolve blame, write it all off and paint myself as a victim of circumstance.

I choose happiness. I accept responsibility. I decide.

Of course, I also choose to not choose guilt for exploiting the immense feeling of satisfaction I get when I look at my very mature response to the situation I'm in. :D

Everything happens for our own good. Nothing is cliché when it happens to you. :)

Cheap Stuff

OK, I thought I'd post something light.

Here are some excerpts of chats I had with my sis, cheapy:

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My GoogleTalk headline says: "Nothing is cliche when it happens to you"

cheapy: wat hapended?

me: lol

cheapy: happy second saturday!

me: "money doesn't grow on trees"
thats the cliche

cheapy: hahaaha
dumass

me: and cheapy I just saw ur orkut profile. when did u get so cool? I'm the coolest one!

cheapy: killi is a 2 ps

me: don't get too cool. u'll have boys stalking you, and it's a real pain when everyone looks at me to jump in and fight. I'm a pacifist.

cheapy: but ure my BIG brother!

me: we're not even related! not fair!

cheapy: i'm havin dejavu's dejavu

me: meh, deja vu is old school.
lucid dreaming is the cool school!

cheapy: diet kola is on a diet!!
hahha
:P

me: thats my line stup
and ya, its funny :D
"has a non-evil twin" damn this cracks me up. you must have hacked my mind when I was asleep.

cheapy: i did

me: ha! that's my cheapy. you have learnt well. accept an insult to deflect it.

cheapy: killi :)

me: poopchicle :)

cheapy: wen did u tell me tat?

me: loooooooong back
u forgot it consciously, but it went direct to ur subconscious :)

cheapy: oooh yeah i had the skool the next day..n we talked till 12.30
hehe

me: lol
wats teh candies and baloons. some arcane judy blume reference?

cheapy: its an inside joke killi..i dint expect u to noe
:)

me: ah... thats why its not funny :P

cheapy: its funny only to me :)

me: touche. bah. ur unusually strong today.
u have been dabbling in the Dark Arts?
damn Voldy poking his nose where it doth not belong

cheapy: m a second sat morn person :P
yeah i am :P
i have mojo

me: :D
not for long *evil laugh .... not for long |)

cheapy: ure not evil cheapy's evil smile
hey pink men's salon is not legal in india :(

me: :'(
is it official now?

cheapy: no..not yet
ther waitin for diet koola's opinion

me: :P
now I kinda feel sorry for srinidhi

cheapy: jaja
killi u learnin espanol?

me: um....
gulp
tengo diet kola!

cheapy: no tengo diet kola

cheapy: diet kola's on diet!
OMG that is soooo cool!

me: hahahhahahha
grrrr..... again, thats MY LINE!

cheapy: nah..u you must have hacked my mind when I was asleep.
lol

me: hahahahaah

cheapy: mummy n tata laugh too :D

me: actually.... that WAS really clever :)

cheapy: shut up..kola came up with it
he talks to ppl only in his sleep.

me: omg! disqualifying praise. all my lessons are bearing fruits!

cheapy: tats another one?

me: haha, yea. ur inner mind is feeding you.

cheapy: killi u suck

me: I have HACKED you.
i suck me too :)

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The memory remains...

It seems one of my friends has had her gray cells put in a grinder by the most familiar villain known to grad schoolers all around - STRESS.

I know this only too well, after my very meticulous mismanagement of time helped bountiful by garden-variety procrastination, last semester.

You are assaulted with a sense of despair, question your self-worth, are disgusted by your uselessness and contemplate ending it all (like give up on education and mooch off dad. NOT kill yourself! If you thought of that, then you are forever judged by me - a twig)

She asked me: "Why are happy memories so damn difficult to recall in these times of distress? Why are sad memories that much more vivid?"

I replied: "Simply, because HAPPINESS belongs in the NOW and SADNESS belongs in the PAST."

She was mighty impressed by this. I should say, even I was taken aback by my wisdom :P

Anyways, I got to discussing this with another friend of mine.

I repeated my statement to him. Then, I got to thinking and elaborated on this.

Isn't it woefully human, that when we are sad, we pile it on by recollecting all the times we were sad and invite self-pity and a general woe-be-me attitude?

Isn't it refreshingly human that when we are happy, we care the least about anything else, and just soak in the present moment?

And also, when we are just neutral, we tend to recall happy memories more than sad ones and enjoy a nice little look-back.

It is these idiosyncrasies of human nature that make it all ever so charming. :)

Empathy sux

It's an effin curse. That's all I gitta say.

fuck.

When do you define yourself?

Identity.

That's one thing we like to flail about in times of extreme introspection. In heated battles with myself, I sketch myself a blueprint, and build myself a foundation to erect the person I think of myself as.

But, where do the ideas come from? Whose plans are my castle based on? Is the cement not adulterated with popular culture, role-models, peer acceptance, a trace of escape, a hint of shame?

Is the concrete concrete?

These were the myriad thoughts trespassing my normally empty and peaceful head while we performed Navratri Aarti at my place today. I connected with the "rituals of yore". The very humdrum traditional practices that I used to frown upon, now provided me solace and a sense of belonging.

Something I can identify with.

I love it when I contradict myself. It's a sign of growth. Or so, I console myself. ;)